Depressed

I'm frozen in a state of emotional nothingness, like a guy on the couch after an evening of heroin use. Being that I am completely incapable of rationalizing the Celtics game seven loss at the hands of the Magic, I'll provide you with a short summary that I'll try to edit once I've slept this off for a couple of days.

Hedo Turkoglu is a goat. Not in any derogatory sense. That's simply the first description that crept into my subconscious. He's a scruffy, grotesque, flopping, whining goat look-alike, who hit all his threes (mostly poor shots) in the game that matter most. If Hedo is to be believed, he owed it all to a pre-game pizza meal. What does that tell you about the man’s mental state? He was a 7th man for most of his career, and has inexplicably become an important player at age 30. He's probably on steroids. And every time he tried to draw an inadvertent whistle, he yelped, emitting a peculiarly inhuman noise, much like a goat. I hate him!

Rafer Alston is a crack-head piece of shit. He talks ad nauseam. Like Hedo, he flops too much. He complains to the refs about plays after minutes after the fact. He attacked Eddie House for torching him when his own defense was to blame. His first name isn't even a fucking name. His face makes me want to punch my bathroom mirror. I hate him!

Mickael Pietrus is an arrogant French bastard who doesn't even seem to play within in any sort of team concept. He waits for loose balls and takes wildly untimely three-pointers. Then he scowls. I can't even imagine anyone on Orlando likes him. Doc should’ve had Mikki Moore strangle him during a time-out (at least he would’ve done something of value for the team). I hate him!

Stan Van Gundy is probably too unintentionally hilarious to full out hate, but he can't escape my wrath. He's ugly and fat, with one of the worst mustaches in all of Florida. His best player hates him. He is unofficially Bipolar, criticizing the world one minute and high-fiving his team during a time-out the next (these are grown men, not six-year old kids.) I hate him!

And while were on the subject, Reggie Miller nearly ruined another playoff series with his incoherent blather. I HATE HIM!

I don't hate Dwight Howard, because he's simply too likable and didn't do anything to offend me personally. He's a defensive freak, a rebounding machine, and a pretty unpolished offensive player still capable of dominating a playoff series. A friend wisely pointed out that if all Patrick Ewing could muster out of Howard this season was a jump hook and a ridiculous cross-the-lane heave off the backboard, he can't be much of a coach. I can't really bring myself to hate Rashard Lewis either. He simply posed major match up problems for the Celtics. I can't say I hate anyone on the Celtics roster, although if tomorrow's Boston Globe headline read "Stephon Marbury's car torn to pieces by Copley B-Line train,” I wouldn't lose a minute of sleep.

I love the efforts turned in by Kendrick Perkins and Glen Davis. Davis became (sadly) our best interior scorer, while delivering the funniest post-game shove of a little kid on record. Meanwhile Perk went toe-to-toe with the best center in the world, and more than held his own. Scal brought energy, House brought attitude, and Doc brought positive thinking. Allen brought greatness in spurts, the gaps between them sometimes lasting days. Rondo became a superstar, but lost some luster against inferior opposition verses Orlando. (I suspect both he and Allen may have been playing hurt, which will undoubtedly come out some time in June). Another worry with Rondo . . . I could see him becoming a player who plays both up and down to the level of his competition, which makes him both our greatest asset and potentially biggest liability. Meanwhile, Pierce had a few nice games, but seemed to make as many mistakes as anyone else on the court. He also looked tired; a word I didn't realize was in his vocabulary.

It's disappointing to lose, especially when things could've been so different. Maybe last season’s good fortune had to end, at least temporarily. But I maintain the loss of Kevin Garnett was the most affecting NBA injury of the last decade. If he was healthy (in addition to Leon Powe), I have no doubt we'd have swept Chicago, and taken Orlando in five, setting up a powerhouse match up against the Cavaliers in the Eastern Conference finals. If Orlando lost Howard, they might've lost to the Sixers in Round 1. Denver without Chauncey Billups might not have made the playoffs. The Lakers minus Kobe would've lost in Round 2. And the Cavs without Lebron would struggle to win the N.I.T. KG was essential to everything we did well, especially on the defensive end. Without him the Celtics looked far more like a group of individuals than a complete team.

But they played exceedingly hard. They didn't take a night off. It just seems at the moment that they (gulp) lost to a better team. It happens. I only pray this loss had more to do with injury than age. Sure, they were fatigued. How could they not be after 15 playoff games (I’m counting all those Round 1 overtimes as another game)? But if years of accumulated bumps and bruises are to be blamed for slowing Pierce, Allen, and Garnett, then it may be time for Danny Ainge to go back to the drawing board, to at least see what's out there. Maybe that Howard fellow is on the trading block.

(One final note: Anyone else think the most interesting man in the world from the Dos Equis commercials would be a perfect replacement for Lucky as the Celtic's team mascot? "I don't generally watch basketball. But when I do, I root for the Celtics.")