Friday, December 26, 2008

Good-Byes of 2008

It's that time again. With 2008 about to give way to the New Year, I want to pay tribute to the people who passed this year. Not everyone is accounted for, but here are the individuals who meant something to me.

Aunt Bess (89): One of the funniest women I ever had the privilege of knowing. Though never in great health as long as I remember, she never let more than a minute go by without making us laugh, sometimes intentionally, other times not. Not even diabetes could stop her from a rich piece of chocolate. Aunt Bess was matter of fact about the grimmest of subjects, such as death, disease, and relationships (picture an even straighter-faced Steve Carell). But she was sharp as a bat and always showed a keen interest in what my brothers and I were doing with our lives. We didn't see her as often as I'm sure she would've liked (living 100 miles away), but knowing our visits brought her joy makes me smile, as does knowing where a pronounced portion of my sense of humor must've came from.

George Carlin (71): The list of genuinely funny comedians in my lifetime is pretty short. Now subtract those who were legitimate trail blazers, equal parts eloquent and merciless, and we only have one. I had the good fortune to see Carlin perform in Las Vegas in 2002, a phenomenal piece of work that ranks with a recent Jerry Seinfeld show as the funniest live comedy act I've seen. What set Carlin apart was his honesty, mastery of language (truly unique, he often sounded like a walking encyclopedia), and the fact that he never seemed to do a bit just to fill time. One could always find harsh truths hidden in the subtext of his carefully chosen words. Several of his acts ("Seven Words You Can Never Say on Television, "Baseball and Football," "The Ten Commandments," "Airplane Safety," "Saving the Planet") have achieved legendary status. But it was his quick-witted attacks on religion, politics, and general stupidity perpetrated by all of us that made him a brilliant spokesman for his time.

Heath Ledger (28): Not since the death of River Phoenix had Hollywood lost such a promising young actor, whose legend is likely to grow as a result of his tragic passing. His performances elicited a stronger emotional response than all but a handful of actors from his generation. Even in lesser films such as "10 Things I Hate About You" and "The Patriot," his natural charisma elevated the material. His sad, muted work in "Brokeback Mountain" was as powerful as anything I've seen in the last decade of cinema. He deserved an Oscar for that role (2005), but will likely earn one posthumously for his stunning portrayal of the Joker in this summer's "The Dark Knight." Ledger balanced horror, humor, insanity, and brilliance in a role made famous to many by Jack Nicholson. Ledger's ultimate trick was in making sure his interpretation was the one we will all remember.

Paul Newman (83): Quite possibly the most likeable actor of all-time, Newman was also among the most versatile performers of his era. And at the risk of sounding very gay, he wasn't too ugly a fella either. Upon hearing news of his passing, my Mom sounded genuinely affected as she said "this one feels more personal somehow." Newman was a philanthropist of the highest order, raising an astounding 250 million for charity through his Newman's Own food company. He was rumored to have no ego, seemingly impossible given an astounding ten Academy Award nominations and a plethora of landmark films he will be remembered for. My favorite Newman performance was his rebellious turn as the title character in "Cool Hand Luke," followed closely by Fast Eddie Felson, a role he originated in "The Hustler" and returned to in "The Color of Money." Other essential performances included his work in "Cat on a Hot Tin Roof," "Hud," "The Sting," "The Verdict," and "Road to Perdition." I would argue no current actor so successfully blurs the line between actor and movie star as Mr. Butch Cassidy did.

Roy Scheider (75): His passing early in 2008 didn't receive the same publicity as some of his more celebrated contemporaries, but Scheider possessed an everyman quality that several of his era's bigger names lacked. During the 1970s, considered by many to be the greatest decade in American cinema, Scheider made a lasting impression. His credits included the thrillers "Marathon Man" and "The French Connection," as well as the semi-autobiographical drama "All That Jazz." While the latter two earned him Oscar nominations, he was best known for his role as Police Chief Martin Brody, the reluctant hero of Steven Spielberg's "Jaws." The film most often credited with creating the Hollywood blockbuster, "Jaws" set itself apart on the strength of its human characters, usually absent in the thousands of clones since. Brody hated the water; Scheider made us believe it could happen to anyone.

Some Others We Lost . . .

Sammy Baugh (94): The last surviving member of the Pro Football Hall of Fame's inaugural class, the Washington Redskins quarterback is widely regarded as one of the finest to ever play the game.

John Costelloe (47): Costelloe was best known for his role as Johnny Cakes, the gay fireman and short-order cook who formed a relationship with closeted mob capo Vito in the final season of the HBO hit "The Sopranos."

Michael Crighton (66): The hugely successful author wrote several thrillers, including "The Great Train Robbery," "Jurassic Park," "The Lost World," "The Andromeda Strain," "Disclosure," and "Congo." He also created the Emmy Award-winning drama, "E.R.", one of the most popular television shows of the last twenty years.

Kevin Duckworth (44): Duckworth was a two-time All-Star center who helped the Portland Trail Blazers reach the NBA finals in both 1990 and 1992. The 1992 team, featuring a starting five of Duckworth, Clyde Drexler, Terry Porter, Buck Williams, and Jerome Kersey came as close to defeating Michael Jordan's Bulls as anyone.

Bobby Fischer (64): One of the finest chess players who ever lived, Fischer's disappearance from competitive chess provided the basis for the 1993 film "Searching for Bobby Fischer." He remains the only American to win the World Chess Championship.

Stanley Kamel (65): Though most widely known for his role on the USA series "Monk," I will remember him as mobster Tony Marchette, whose feud with Luke Perry's Dylan McKay provided the dramatic center of season 6 of "Beverly Hills 90210."

Estelle Getty (84): An Emmy and two-time Golden Globe winner for her role as Sophia Petrillo on The Golden Girls, Getty was actually younger than co-stars Bea Arthur and Betty White despite playing the foul-mouthed mother of the former. She later starred in the dreadful Sylvester Stallone comedy "Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot."

Isaac Hayes (65): Among the most well-known musicians of the past half-century, Hayes also possessed one of the coolest voices the world has ever known. Among his many credits, the three-time Grammy winner performed the universally known "Theme from Shaft" and voiced Chef on Comedy Central's "South Park."

Charlton Heston (84): An outspoken political activist and noted gun nut, Heston was also Hollywood's go-to-guy for heroic epics throughout the 1950s-60s. His impressive resume included "The Ten Commandments," "El Cid," "Ben-Hur," "Touch of Evil," and
"Planet of the Apes." He also provided one of my favorite cameos
in "Wayne's World 2," making Mike Myers cry with his story of a girl he once knew on Gordon Street.

Bernie Mac (50): As much as anyone this year, Mac's death came as a complete shock. The engaging comedian lent his winning presence to films like "The Original Kings of Comedy," "Friday," "Above the Rim," "Life," "Bad Santa," and the "Ocean's 11" franchise. He was also nominated for two Emmy awards for his lead role on the self-titled "The Bernie Mac Show."

Sydney Pollack (73): One of the most respected talents in the film community, Pollack made impressions as an actor in films such as "The Player," "Eyes Wide Shut," and "Michael Clayton," though his real gift was directing. The Oscar winner's credits included "The Way We Were," "Three Days of the Condor," "Absence of Malice,"
"Out of Africa," and "The Firm." However, his crowning
achievement remains "Tootsie," one of the smartest and funniest comedies ever made.

Robert Prosky (77): One of cinema's quintessential "that guys," Prosky wasn't flashy but his work always lent credibility to the projects he chose. I'll remember him most for a pair of 1993 roles; as Father Cavanaugh who helps Rudy Ruettiger get into Notre Dame in "Rudy" and as Mr. Lundy, Robin Williams' boss in "Mrs. Doubtfire."

Brad Renfro (25): Renfro tragically OD'd from heroin use early in the year, ending an often troubled career that started with great promise in 1994. He followed his tremendous debut in the hit film "The Client" with strong performances in the underrated drama "Sleepers," "Apt Pupil," and "Ghost World."

Stan Winston (62): Anyone without a deep appreciation of film probably doesn't recognize his name, but the four-time Oscar winner's visual effects & make-up artistry proved essential to a number of hugely popular films. Winston's credits included "Aliens," "Predator," "Edward Scissorhands," "Terminator 2," "AI: Artificial Intelligence," and "Jurassic Park."



Lastly, I would be remiss if I didn't briefly mention several of 2008's biggest retirements, starting off with one of the most polarizing athletes of my lifetime;

Antoine Walker: Though not officially retired, I doubt any team's going to go out of its way to sign 'Twoine, a one-time offensive talent who couldn't jump over a piece of paper. Seriously, what 6' 9" black man can't dunk a basketball with one hand? An athletic enigma if ever there was one, Walker was as likely to make Celtics fans smack their collective foreheads as cheer for the mercurial talent, an occasionally brilliant passer and turnover machine. In the years when Boston became the laughingstock of the NBA, Walker was noteworthy for his supreme entertainment value, which included his infamous wiggle, equally probable to appear following triple-double efforts and his many errant, tiptoed 3-point launches from 27 feet out. This past summer in Vegas, Walker was responsible for another highlight. Celebrating a good friend's bachelor party at Nine's Steakhouse, Walker briefly joined our parade of Boston fans for some laughs, high-fives, and best wishes for the intoxicated groom-to-be, who showed Antoine how the shimmy is really done.

Others who hung 'em up (presumably) for the last time . . .

MLB: Greg Maddux, Mike Mussina, Mike Piazza

MOA (Morons of America): George W. Bush & Dick Cheney

NBA: Pat Riley, Chris Webber, Bobby Knight (NCAA)

NFL: Troy Brown & Willie McGinest, Steve McNair, Warren Saap, Michael Strahan


Farewell 2008. Now join me as we say L'shanah haba'ah b'Yerushalayim!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

Happy Holidays from Ohio

End the Past Year with Some Holiday Cheer

‘Twas the night before Christmas and Beefy was bored,
Flipping through channels, drinking coke that I poured.
"It’s a Wonderful Life" seemed a wise choice to me,
TB, her Mom, and myself totaled 3.

With night 4 of Chanukah and Christmas about,
It’s time to start writing, rather than shout.
An ode then to all that was 2008,
The highs and the lows, the crappy and great.

Moving to Ohio where the weather plain blows,
The rain, the wind, and the snow are my foes.
I got a bad cold and was sick for a week,
Jobless and broke, my situation was bleak.

But TB got straight A’s and did great in school,
Supporting yours truly with groceries and fuel.
We’ve mostly adjusted and today I got work,
Thank God for Trinity: A video store clerk.

I’ve been working out and can run a 5K,
I honestly never thought I’d see the day.
Setting goals is key and keeps me on track,
Especially when I’m in the mood for a juicy Big Mac.

I long for old Boston, the game day high fives,
Several old friends have turned girlfriends to wives.
We’re all growing up, some quicker than others,
But even far apart, they’re all still my brothers.

I do miss my family, though we talk every day,
They loyally read every word that I say.
From movies to sports to the babble I write,
They always find humor laced with a sarcastic bite.

Speaking of sports, what a year it has been,
My beloved Celtics continue to win.
On pace to break records with Rondo a star,
For a second I almost forget M.L. Carr.

I know they’ll beat up L.A. tomorrow,
To heal me from feeling any Red Sox sorrow,
The Yankees spending has left me all hollow,
All hail the wealthy, Teixeira will follow.

I’m sure they’ll be fine, just likes the Pats
Marching onward with the confidence of Minnesota Fats.
Brady is down, but Cassel is a winner,
I can’t wait for tomorrow’s ham and latke dinner (no joke!)

This year the best shows were "The Office" and "Lost,"
That flash-forward business had me all turned and tossed.
Better than anything at the movies for sure,
Will "Benjamin Button" finally be the cure?

"10,000 B.C." was the worst of all-time,
"Burn After Reading" wasn’t worth a dime,
Movies about women were hideously bad,
"The Women" and "Mamma Mia" simply made me mad.

"Narnia" sucked, "Tropic Thunder" was a bore,
And "Sex and the City" was quite a lame chore.
To the library I went to rent some old hits,
Nearly all of them boasted superior wits.

I’ve hardly played cards, but a break is ok,
Not like I’ve had the resources anyway.
I may soon be teaching the young kids again,
If I ever get a call back, who knows if and when?

For now I’ll look forward to 2009,
A full year in the Midwest to think and to whine.
I’m half-kidding though, things are turning around,
Maybe by then a writing job I’ll have found.

But I do have my health, my friends, fam., and T.B.,
I’m actually a pretty lucky guy don’t you see?
Can’t wait for tomorrow morning's parade with Al Roker,
See you all in July from the World Series of Poker.

Happy Holidays,
Z

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Denied a Sample

There I was, strolling through the mall searching for birthday gifts for my significant other, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was starving! Having subconsciously decided to fast that day for no particular reason (how come this is always more tolerable than fasting on Yom Kippur?), I approached the food court with glee. I always have a tendency to go for the Asian food, though in 27 years I have rarely found an establishment in a mall food court that wasn't disgusting. The exception is Sarku, home of the excellent, affordable chicken teriyaki. But with so much consistently crappy food, why do I keep returning again and again? It's got to be the samples.

The appeal of free food is timeless for Americans, so much so that on Election Day chains like Starbucks, Krispy Kreme, and Ben & Jerry's promote free drinks and snacks just to get you into their establishments. And sadly, it works. This past Election day I found myself Google mapping Ben and Jerry's and gave serious consideration to driving 45 minutes to the nearest for a small vanilla cone. Never mind that the gas needed to get there would at least match the price of a large. Fortunately I came to my senses, though with Starbucks (whose coffee I don't even particularly like) only minutes away, stopping there was a no-brainer.

Free samples seem to ignite a similar urge in most of us. Case in point: Every year when I visit Ogunquit Beach during the summer, I make a point to stop at Stonewall Kitchen, located about 15 minutes east on Route 1. But I don't go for the decor, or the cook books, or for gift baskets, or even to buy food. Stonewall is a sample haven, featuring an assortment of sauces, dips, jams, syrups, peanut butters, cheeses, crackers, and chocolates. If Vegas had to estimate the odds of my actually purchasing any of these items, the Beef-line would be hovering around 4%. But that doesn't stop me from visiting every chance I get.

I don't think I have any specific tells (had to insert a poker reference somewhere) when it comes to identifying me as an enthusiastic sampler. Sure, I'm a tad on the heavier side, but visit your local shopping mall and the average weight for consumers tends to jump about 20 pounds, so I'm really right in the ballpark. Anyway, on my most recent visit I was making the rounds, passing Sbarro, Subway, et al. until I reached the Asian options. A kind man willingly threw himself at me with a sample of chicken on a toothpick. It actually wasn't half-bad, but I needed more if I was to make an informed decision. I smiled and continued on my way. Five seconds later a woman from the next location offered me some chicken. By the way, why do they always offer chicken? Is it the cheapest item to make or do they actually think it's so delicious no one could possibly resist? Regardless, the second sample left something to be desired so I moved on to the final Asian option. A new woman held her tray of chicken the same as her competitors, turning from left to right, surveying the crowd. When I got close, she sharply and unexpectedly turned 180 degrees. I'm not kidding. Her back was to me. I figured her boss had called her so she turned to face him. She didn't move for a few seconds, so finally I spoke.

"Excuse me," I inquired politely. "Can I try one?"

She subtly shook her head once without giving me a verbal response. I was confused, so I asked again.

"Excuse me, could I have one?"
"NO!"

I laughed in disbelief, and began scanning the area for any traces of cameras, or for that matter Ali G, Ryan Seacrest, Ashton Kutcher, David Letterman, or Jamie Kennedy. I thought Dave Chappelle might jump out from behind a plant and declare, "You been Zapped!" At least that would've been funny, but with nobody in sight, I asked again.

"I can't have a sample?"
"NO!"

She was even more emphatic the second time, so I asked why not?

"One per person."

I asked what she was talking about, explaining that I hadn't been to her station or asked her for one yet. She angrily started waving her finger in a circle, pointing at the other Asian restaurants located next to her's. I smiled, but more shocked than anything else. She was like a bad SNL character.

"So you're serious? I can't have a sample?"

She didn't even answer me as I looked at her. Perplexed, I kind of half-laughed and started to leave. All of a sudden, she whipped her heads back around, jammed a toothpick into a piece of chicken as if she was butchering it, and practically shoved it in my face.

"Here," she snarled.

I had almost no idea how to react, though annoyance had clearly taken over at this point.

"What are you kidding me? Forget it."

The sample bitch had made up my mind for me. I walked back to the first eatery, ordered some chicken & broccoli, fried rice, and a soda. I decided to strategically position myself at a table very close to the woman who'd snubbed me. Needless to say I wanted her to see me eating food prepared by her competition, but more than that, I was curious to know how she treated other customers. Inconsistency was the word that first came to mind. Some people she quickly approached, inviting them to experience the succulent flavor that must've enveloped her tender chicken. But judging by the tormented faces of those who were subjected to this death offering, I hadn't missed much. But strangely enough, several people walked right by her without being stopped, instead having to ask themselves for a sample. Still she didn't flat-out reject anybody else. While I pretended to make phone calls as I ate (my life is beyond excitement), I kept a firm eye on the sample bitch, which she caught about once a minute. My goal in addition to obtaining information was to make her as uncomfortable as humanly possible.

After finishing my dinner I went back to shopping and job hunting, stopping to apply in every store I thought wouldn't have me pulling my limited hair out if hired. However, I'm starting to fear I may indeed be too smart for several of these places. Job search engines like monster.com have proved useless, recommending positions I wouldn't consider unless I was crippled with an IQ of 12 and spoke no English. Does anyone actually find work on these websites? Last week a video store clerk told me over the phone that if I hadn't heard a reply by the end of the week they probably decided to go in another direction. Another direction? What does he think he's running a Fortune 500 company? How many directions can there be at a Family Video? I'm 27, know a ton about movies, and have great communication skills. It's a vicious cycle, being matched to jobs beneath me that I inexplicably can't land anyway. More on this at a later point.

Anyway, I didn't get too far from the food court, because I still didn't have a sufficient answer to the riddle of the evening. I was not going to let a situation this ridiculous keep me up at night wondering what happened. Too many people have been screwing me over, so I decided it was my turn. I approached the cashier, who seemed to be the manager as well. Unlike the sample bitch, he was smiling. I still had my soda cup from the other eatery.

"What Can I get you?"
"Nothing actually, but I wanted to ask you a something? Are you all owned by the same people,” pointing to the other Asian establishments near by.

Note: While I'd still consider the sampler (sounds like a McDonald's character) a moron for refusing me food earlier, I might at least have understood her frustration if they were all indeed owned by the same group. Watching hundreds of people walk by each day, take samples from the only restaurants offering them, and then order a number 2 meal with a gold crown from Burger King would annoy me as well. Although if I were in her shoes, I'd surely understand that good business comes first. But as it turns out, this line of thinking was irrelevant.

"No, we are not," he answered.
"Oh, wow. Ok well I wanted to let you know that your employee wouldn't give me a sample when I walked by."

The man looked perplexed.

"No sample?"
"No, she wouldn't give me one. I asked for one and she said no to me."

In a sudden panic that needless to say made me giggle, he grabbed a fork and reached into his chicken tray to give me some. I shook my head and waved my hand.

"No thanks. I don't want any now. I already ate."

I showed him my cup from the other location. Despite there being somewhat of a language barrier, a picture is worth a thousand words. The expression on his face made me pretty confident he knew what I was saying.

"Anyway, I just wanted to let you know that I wanted a sample before, but she wouldn't give me one. So I didn't eat here."

He nodded and started conversing with a woman to his right. As I left he sort of shrugged and gave me a half-grin, seeming somewhat ashamed of what had happened. Bad business is bad business in any culture. I turned back and saw him calling the sampler towards him. I have no idea what was said, but he didn't look happy. While I hadn't received a straight answer directly from the sample bitch regarding the strange chain of events she'd provoked, I took some pleasure in knowing I hadn't let the situation stand. In this world you've got to stand up for yourself, whether arguing with a professor over an unfair grade, scrambling to find work at a Staples, or getting the sub par chicken sample you so richly deserve. Wouldn't it be ironic if the sample bitch was fired that night creating an opportunity for me to become the first Caucasian sampler at an Asian eatery in a mall food court? With my luck, monster.com will consider this the perfect match.