I'm frozen in a state of emotional nothingness, like a guy on the couch after an evening of heroin use. Being that I am completely incapable of rationalizing the Celtics game seven loss at the hands of the Magic, I'll provide you with a short summary that I'll try to edit once I've slept this off for a couple of days.
Hedo Turkoglu is a goat. Not in any derogatory sense. That's simply the first description that crept into my subconscious. He's a scruffy, grotesque, flopping, whining goat look-alike, who hit all his threes (mostly poor shots) in the game that matter most. If Hedo is to be believed, he owed it all to a pre-game pizza meal. What does that tell you about the man’s mental state? He was a 7th man for most of his career, and has inexplicably become an important player at age 30. He's probably on steroids. And every time he tried to draw an inadvertent whistle, he yelped, emitting a peculiarly inhuman noise, much like a goat. I hate him!
Rafer Alston is a crack-head piece of shit. He talks ad nauseam. Like Hedo, he flops too much. He complains to the refs about plays after minutes after the fact. He attacked Eddie House for torching him when his own defense was to blame. His first name isn't even a fucking name. His face makes me want to punch my bathroom mirror. I hate him!
Mickael Pietrus is an arrogant French bastard who doesn't even seem to play within in any sort of team concept. He waits for loose balls and takes wildly untimely three-pointers. Then he scowls. I can't even imagine anyone on Orlando likes him. Doc should’ve had Mikki Moore strangle him during a time-out (at least he would’ve done something of value for the team). I hate him!
Stan Van Gundy is probably too unintentionally hilarious to full out hate, but he can't escape my wrath. He's ugly and fat, with one of the worst mustaches in all of Florida. His best player hates him. He is unofficially Bipolar, criticizing the world one minute and high-fiving his team during a time-out the next (these are grown men, not six-year old kids.) I hate him!
And while were on the subject, Reggie Miller nearly ruined another playoff series with his incoherent blather. I HATE HIM!
I don't hate Dwight Howard, because he's simply too likable and didn't do anything to offend me personally. He's a defensive freak, a rebounding machine, and a pretty unpolished offensive player still capable of dominating a playoff series. A friend wisely pointed out that if all Patrick Ewing could muster out of Howard this season was a jump hook and a ridiculous cross-the-lane heave off the backboard, he can't be much of a coach. I can't really bring myself to hate Rashard Lewis either. He simply posed major match up problems for the Celtics. I can't say I hate anyone on the Celtics roster, although if tomorrow's Boston Globe headline read "Stephon Marbury's car torn to pieces by Copley B-Line train,” I wouldn't lose a minute of sleep.
I love the efforts turned in by Kendrick Perkins and Glen Davis. Davis became (sadly) our best interior scorer, while delivering the funniest post-game shove of a little kid on record. Meanwhile Perk went toe-to-toe with the best center in the world, and more than held his own. Scal brought energy, House brought attitude, and Doc brought positive thinking. Allen brought greatness in spurts, the gaps between them sometimes lasting days. Rondo became a superstar, but lost some luster against inferior opposition verses Orlando. (I suspect both he and Allen may have been playing hurt, which will undoubtedly come out some time in June). Another worry with Rondo . . . I could see him becoming a player who plays both up and down to the level of his competition, which makes him both our greatest asset and potentially biggest liability. Meanwhile, Pierce had a few nice games, but seemed to make as many mistakes as anyone else on the court. He also looked tired; a word I didn't realize was in his vocabulary.
It's disappointing to lose, especially when things could've been so different. Maybe last season’s good fortune had to end, at least temporarily. But I maintain the loss of Kevin Garnett was the most affecting NBA injury of the last decade. If he was healthy (in addition to Leon Powe), I have no doubt we'd have swept Chicago, and taken Orlando in five, setting up a powerhouse match up against the Cavaliers in the Eastern Conference finals. If Orlando lost Howard, they might've lost to the Sixers in Round 1. Denver without Chauncey Billups might not have made the playoffs. The Lakers minus Kobe would've lost in Round 2. And the Cavs without Lebron would struggle to win the N.I.T. KG was essential to everything we did well, especially on the defensive end. Without him the Celtics looked far more like a group of individuals than a complete team.
But they played exceedingly hard. They didn't take a night off. It just seems at the moment that they (gulp) lost to a better team. It happens. I only pray this loss had more to do with injury than age. Sure, they were fatigued. How could they not be after 15 playoff games (I’m counting all those Round 1 overtimes as another game)? But if years of accumulated bumps and bruises are to be blamed for slowing Pierce, Allen, and Garnett, then it may be time for Danny Ainge to go back to the drawing board, to at least see what's out there. Maybe that Howard fellow is on the trading block.
(One final note: Anyone else think the most interesting man in the world from the Dos Equis commercials would be a perfect replacement for Lucky as the Celtic's team mascot? "I don't generally watch basketball. But when I do, I root for the Celtics.")
Reel Opinions on Movies
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
A Summer at the Movies, 2009
It’s almost the start of another summer movie season, which seems to commence earlier with each passing year. The box-office explosion kicks off this Friday, May 1st with the opening of Wolverine, and won’t let up until August. Kenny "The Jet" Smith and Charles Barkley have helped fuel the collective appetite of sports fans with a hilarious TNT commercial in which they debate what the latter would do if blessed with Wolverine's claws (Kenny correctly surmises he'd rip open packages of twinkies in bulk). Unfortunately the 2009 release schedule seems particularly uninspired, from lame brain comedies to sequels nobody seemed to be asking for. I can’t remember another summer when I knew ahead of time I’d be skipping so many tent poles, the “can’t-miss” offerings each studio wants you to believe will destroy the competition.
This year’s big Memorial Day films include Night at the Museum: Battle for the Smithsonian and Terminator Salvation. The former is a follow-up to one of the worst films of the decade, a supposed family comedy with no laughs, cartoony special effects, and a bored Ben Stiller making faces at blue screens. No thank you. The latter is the 2nd misdirected attempt to reboot a franchise that should’ve ended credibly in 1991 when James Cameron was still directing. T3 remains one of the most disappointing theatergoing experiences of my life and it’s going to take more than Christian Bale to sucker me in again. Another major release is Angels and Demons, a sequel to the lifeless, incoherent 2006 adaptation of The Da Vinci Code, arguably the worst film on the resumes of both Tom Hanks and Ron Howard. May also launches J.J. Abrams’ Star Trek, this summer’s only true wildcard. Die-hard fans are salivating, but this film will need excellent reviews and word-of-mouth to lure those with no interest in the often ridiculed franchise. Count me among the skeptical.
Later months will bring comedies starring Will Ferrell (Land of the Lost), Eddie Murphy (Imagine That), Jack Black & Michael Cera (Year One), The Wayans Brothers (Dance Flick), Adam Sandler & Seth Rogan (Funny People), Will Arnett & Jon Heder (When In Rome), David Hasselhoff (Beverly Hills Ninja 2- NOT JOKING), Bradley Cooper (The Hangover), and Robin Williams (World’s Greatest Dad), as well as estrogen driven counter programming featuring Cameron Diaz (My Sister’s Keeper), Katherine Heigl & Gerald Butler (The Ugly Truth), Sandra Bullock & Ryan Reynolds (The Proposal), Rachel McAdams (The Time Traveler’s Wife), Joseph Gordon-Levitt & Zooey Deschanel (500 Days of Summer), Matthew McConaughey & Jennifer Garner (The Ghosts of Girlfriends Past), and Meryl Streep & Amy Adams (Julie and Julia). Other releases include the heist flick The Brothers Bloom and animated films G-Force and Ice Age 3: Dawn of Dinosaurs, both likely to do very well financially. Finally, what preview would be complete without a mention of G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra? It appears silly beyond words, though the presence of Dennis Quaid in an action film is almost always good for a few unintentional laughs, just not enough to warrant a trip to the theater. Of all the aforementioned films, only two are semi-realistic possibilities: The Proposal, because T already decided we are going, and Land of the Lost, because I’m a total sucker for Ferrell in anything.
Not all is lost though. Here is a list of 10 films I WILL be seeing this summer and why it might be worth your while to join me . . .
10.) Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen – Eh, what can I say? It’s the most critic-proof blockbuster of 2009. While I wasn’t crazy about the original (whose 1st half I enjoyed much more than the mind-numbing final hour), I’m willing to give this series another shot. If nothing else, it’s the one huge release that will play a lot differently in a theater as opposed to on the television screen in my living room. And there’s always the irresistibly sexy, er talented, Megan Fox.
9.) The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard - Since hitting huge with Entourage, fast-talking Jeremy Piven has been pretty selective about taking film roles, so I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt in this comedy about a crew who assemble to save a small town car dealership from bankruptcy. It’s directed by the creator of Chappelle’s Show and produced by Ferrell and Adam McKay’s (Anchorman, Talladega Nights) production company.
8.) The Taking of Pelham 123 – Each summer there is generally at least one action film driven more by story, performances, and stunts (think Speed or The Bourne Ultimatum) than flashy CGI visual effects. In this remake, hijackers overtake an NYC subway train and hold its passengers ransom, threatening to kill one person each minute. While not completely original, it comes from the writer of L.A. Confidential, and stars Denzel Washington, John Travolta, and James Gandolfini.
7.) Up – Simply put, Disney Pixar Studios (Toy Story, Finding Nemo, Ratatouille, etc) has yet to make a bad film. The trailers look great, promising humor and the most cutting-edge animation available. Up is the tale of a 78-year-old man and his companions who travel the world in his home, carried along by thousands of balloons overhead. A bonus for this one; it should look amazing in Digital 3D.
6.) X-Men Origins: Wolverine – I am not a comic book fan, nor have I ever read an issue of any superhero graphic novels. But since Marvel brought X-Men to the big screen in 2000, they’ve been one my favorite franchises. Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine is the most intriguing major comic book character outside the world of Batman, and if this delivers the same level of energy, f/x, and fast-paced action of its predecessors, I’ll be satisfied.
Note: Much has been made about the online leak of Wolverine weeks before its release. Honestly, who’d want to watch a fuzzy print of a movie like this on a trailer-size Laptop screen anyway?
Note 2:
5.) Inglourious Basterds – Quentin Tarantino’s newest film follows a group of Jewish-American soldiers on a revenge killing spree throughout Nazi-occupied France during World War II. Brad Pitt leads a cast that also includes Mike Myers. Like the Coen Brothers QT’s films are often hard to define as this one seems a cross between From Dusk Till Dawn, Munich, and The Dirty Dozen. The only reason I don’t rank it higher is because I can’t yet tell if there’s real substance to be found (Pulp Fiction, Jackie Brown) or if it’s merely an excuse for the director to embellish in another highly stylized blood bath (Kill Bill, Death Proof). Time will tell.
4.) Whatever Works – It honestly doesn’t even matter what this one is about. Larry David stars in a Woody Allen movie! Has there ever been a better match between star and writer, from their self-loathing personalities to impeccable comedic timing? For what it’s worth David plays a brilliant, wealthy New Yorker who after a failed suicide attempt moves to Chinatown and meets a younger, far less cerebral southern girl. After six seasons of Curb Your Enthusiasm, I’d pay to see David criticizing strangers from a park bench. Pairing with the best comedy writer of the last forty years is icing on the cake.
3.) Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince – Unlike the vast majority, I am seeing the HP movies without previously reading the books (I’ve only read the 1st and ½ of the 2nd), so my anticipation is as much driven by curiosity over plot points as expected entertainment value. Though I don’t rewatch the previous Potter films often, they have unexpectedly become required viewing on the big screen, with each chapter a little darker, meaner, and more mature in its themes. In the end I probably wouldn’t call this a truly great franchise, but it is exceedingly dependable, good for several laughs, increasingly stellar special effects, and characters worth caring about. There is yet to be a bad Potter film and with only two to go, I highly doubt this will change.
2.) Bruno – The promos speak for themselves, like the one with a straight-faced, shirtless Bruno holding a black infant in his arms. Sacha Baron Cohen got away with murder in 2006 with his comedy smash Borat, and for a second movie to work he’ll need to push the envelope even further. Playing another of his clueless alter-egos from Da Ali G Show, Cohen’s flaming Austrian Bruno comes to America pretending to be a television reporter and wreaks havoc on an unsuspecting public. Thousands will undoubtedly be offended by Cohen’s brand of humor, which takes none-too-subtle jabs at serious issues in the process. But if the number of major laughs approaches that of Cohen’s last outing, we’re probably looking at the funniest film of 2009.
Note: As of now the film has been tagged with an NC-17 rating, which would be death at the box-office. However, the rating would ensure those who do see it will get the funniest possible version available.
1.) Public Enemies – Few films this summer have more talent in front and behind the camera. In the latest in a string of strong Hollywood crime dramas (The Departed, American Gangster), Johnny Depp stars as Depression-era bank robber and folk hero John Dillinger. Christian Bale costars as Melvin Purvis, the top FBI agent under J. Edgar Hoover, who makes Dillinger his top target. Director Michael Mann has one of the best track records in the business, with such titles as Heat, The Insider, and Collateral to his credit. And after months of corny 1-liners, huge explosions, and a collective indifference towards storytelling, this July release could represent a rare opportunity for adult audiences to think. Reviews and word of mouth will go a long way in determining whether this film will be remembered come next year’s Oscars. Still, if I had only $10 to spend at the movies this summer, I’d save it for Public Enemies.
This year’s big Memorial Day films include Night at the Museum: Battle for the Smithsonian and Terminator Salvation. The former is a follow-up to one of the worst films of the decade, a supposed family comedy with no laughs, cartoony special effects, and a bored Ben Stiller making faces at blue screens. No thank you. The latter is the 2nd misdirected attempt to reboot a franchise that should’ve ended credibly in 1991 when James Cameron was still directing. T3 remains one of the most disappointing theatergoing experiences of my life and it’s going to take more than Christian Bale to sucker me in again. Another major release is Angels and Demons, a sequel to the lifeless, incoherent 2006 adaptation of The Da Vinci Code, arguably the worst film on the resumes of both Tom Hanks and Ron Howard. May also launches J.J. Abrams’ Star Trek, this summer’s only true wildcard. Die-hard fans are salivating, but this film will need excellent reviews and word-of-mouth to lure those with no interest in the often ridiculed franchise. Count me among the skeptical.
Later months will bring comedies starring Will Ferrell (Land of the Lost), Eddie Murphy (Imagine That), Jack Black & Michael Cera (Year One), The Wayans Brothers (Dance Flick), Adam Sandler & Seth Rogan (Funny People), Will Arnett & Jon Heder (When In Rome), David Hasselhoff (Beverly Hills Ninja 2- NOT JOKING), Bradley Cooper (The Hangover), and Robin Williams (World’s Greatest Dad), as well as estrogen driven counter programming featuring Cameron Diaz (My Sister’s Keeper), Katherine Heigl & Gerald Butler (The Ugly Truth), Sandra Bullock & Ryan Reynolds (The Proposal), Rachel McAdams (The Time Traveler’s Wife), Joseph Gordon-Levitt & Zooey Deschanel (500 Days of Summer), Matthew McConaughey & Jennifer Garner (The Ghosts of Girlfriends Past), and Meryl Streep & Amy Adams (Julie and Julia). Other releases include the heist flick The Brothers Bloom and animated films G-Force and Ice Age 3: Dawn of Dinosaurs, both likely to do very well financially. Finally, what preview would be complete without a mention of G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra? It appears silly beyond words, though the presence of Dennis Quaid in an action film is almost always good for a few unintentional laughs, just not enough to warrant a trip to the theater. Of all the aforementioned films, only two are semi-realistic possibilities: The Proposal, because T already decided we are going, and Land of the Lost, because I’m a total sucker for Ferrell in anything.
Not all is lost though. Here is a list of 10 films I WILL be seeing this summer and why it might be worth your while to join me . . .
10.) Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen – Eh, what can I say? It’s the most critic-proof blockbuster of 2009. While I wasn’t crazy about the original (whose 1st half I enjoyed much more than the mind-numbing final hour), I’m willing to give this series another shot. If nothing else, it’s the one huge release that will play a lot differently in a theater as opposed to on the television screen in my living room. And there’s always the irresistibly sexy, er talented, Megan Fox.
9.) The Goods: Live Hard, Sell Hard - Since hitting huge with Entourage, fast-talking Jeremy Piven has been pretty selective about taking film roles, so I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt in this comedy about a crew who assemble to save a small town car dealership from bankruptcy. It’s directed by the creator of Chappelle’s Show and produced by Ferrell and Adam McKay’s (Anchorman, Talladega Nights) production company.
8.) The Taking of Pelham 123 – Each summer there is generally at least one action film driven more by story, performances, and stunts (think Speed or The Bourne Ultimatum) than flashy CGI visual effects. In this remake, hijackers overtake an NYC subway train and hold its passengers ransom, threatening to kill one person each minute. While not completely original, it comes from the writer of L.A. Confidential, and stars Denzel Washington, John Travolta, and James Gandolfini.
7.) Up – Simply put, Disney Pixar Studios (Toy Story, Finding Nemo, Ratatouille, etc) has yet to make a bad film. The trailers look great, promising humor and the most cutting-edge animation available. Up is the tale of a 78-year-old man and his companions who travel the world in his home, carried along by thousands of balloons overhead. A bonus for this one; it should look amazing in Digital 3D.
6.) X-Men Origins: Wolverine – I am not a comic book fan, nor have I ever read an issue of any superhero graphic novels. But since Marvel brought X-Men to the big screen in 2000, they’ve been one my favorite franchises. Hugh Jackman’s Wolverine is the most intriguing major comic book character outside the world of Batman, and if this delivers the same level of energy, f/x, and fast-paced action of its predecessors, I’ll be satisfied.
Note: Much has been made about the online leak of Wolverine weeks before its release. Honestly, who’d want to watch a fuzzy print of a movie like this on a trailer-size Laptop screen anyway?
Note 2:
5.) Inglourious Basterds – Quentin Tarantino’s newest film follows a group of Jewish-American soldiers on a revenge killing spree throughout Nazi-occupied France during World War II. Brad Pitt leads a cast that also includes Mike Myers. Like the Coen Brothers QT’s films are often hard to define as this one seems a cross between From Dusk Till Dawn, Munich, and The Dirty Dozen. The only reason I don’t rank it higher is because I can’t yet tell if there’s real substance to be found (Pulp Fiction, Jackie Brown) or if it’s merely an excuse for the director to embellish in another highly stylized blood bath (Kill Bill, Death Proof). Time will tell.
4.) Whatever Works – It honestly doesn’t even matter what this one is about. Larry David stars in a Woody Allen movie! Has there ever been a better match between star and writer, from their self-loathing personalities to impeccable comedic timing? For what it’s worth David plays a brilliant, wealthy New Yorker who after a failed suicide attempt moves to Chinatown and meets a younger, far less cerebral southern girl. After six seasons of Curb Your Enthusiasm, I’d pay to see David criticizing strangers from a park bench. Pairing with the best comedy writer of the last forty years is icing on the cake.
3.) Harry Potter and the Half-blood Prince – Unlike the vast majority, I am seeing the HP movies without previously reading the books (I’ve only read the 1st and ½ of the 2nd), so my anticipation is as much driven by curiosity over plot points as expected entertainment value. Though I don’t rewatch the previous Potter films often, they have unexpectedly become required viewing on the big screen, with each chapter a little darker, meaner, and more mature in its themes. In the end I probably wouldn’t call this a truly great franchise, but it is exceedingly dependable, good for several laughs, increasingly stellar special effects, and characters worth caring about. There is yet to be a bad Potter film and with only two to go, I highly doubt this will change.
2.) Bruno – The promos speak for themselves, like the one with a straight-faced, shirtless Bruno holding a black infant in his arms. Sacha Baron Cohen got away with murder in 2006 with his comedy smash Borat, and for a second movie to work he’ll need to push the envelope even further. Playing another of his clueless alter-egos from Da Ali G Show, Cohen’s flaming Austrian Bruno comes to America pretending to be a television reporter and wreaks havoc on an unsuspecting public. Thousands will undoubtedly be offended by Cohen’s brand of humor, which takes none-too-subtle jabs at serious issues in the process. But if the number of major laughs approaches that of Cohen’s last outing, we’re probably looking at the funniest film of 2009.
Note: As of now the film has been tagged with an NC-17 rating, which would be death at the box-office. However, the rating would ensure those who do see it will get the funniest possible version available.
1.) Public Enemies – Few films this summer have more talent in front and behind the camera. In the latest in a string of strong Hollywood crime dramas (The Departed, American Gangster), Johnny Depp stars as Depression-era bank robber and folk hero John Dillinger. Christian Bale costars as Melvin Purvis, the top FBI agent under J. Edgar Hoover, who makes Dillinger his top target. Director Michael Mann has one of the best track records in the business, with such titles as Heat, The Insider, and Collateral to his credit. And after months of corny 1-liners, huge explosions, and a collective indifference towards storytelling, this July release could represent a rare opportunity for adult audiences to think. Reviews and word of mouth will go a long way in determining whether this film will be remembered come next year’s Oscars. Still, if I had only $10 to spend at the movies this summer, I’d save it for Public Enemies.
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