Seriously what a great day! I relayed tales of chance encounters with the most random old acquaintances. I successfully caused my mom to panic by convincing her I sliced my finger open without health insurance. I later drunkenly fooled my dad into believing my fiancé left me. And I developed ingenious plans for convincing several friends that their significant other(s) were pregnant (foiled by the fact that the girls in question can't keep a straight face). I submit April 1st becomes an official holiday, a day in which all Americans are encouraged to not only make fools of friends & family (excluding the elderly of course; we're not trying to cause heart attacks), but also to play hooky to allow time for the most creative pranks available. This really isn't as crazy as it sounds. Lets run-down the list of days which already inexplicably qualify as holidays (or at least draw national attention):
Valentine's Day: A couple of greedy Hallmark executives decided they needed a time other than Christmas & mid-May (graduation month) to pad their commissions. Each year on February 14th, men all over the country collectively smack their foreheads and start searching for dinner reservations & jewelry store coupons.
President's Day: Oh, please. How many people in the history of the world deserve to have their birthdays celebrated? Maybe Larry Bird and the founder of "Dunkin Donuts." That's about it. At least they lumped the presidents together, but still, we only have 365 of these days go around. As for George Washington, he may have been the first, but certainly not the best.
Groundhog Day: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Ok I feel better after getting that out. While not a real holiday, the silliest themed day on the calendar deserves special mention. At least it inspired a funny movie. Let’s just move on.
Columbus Day: Well they say the guy discovered America, even though historians question that claim and by many accounts Columbus was a murderer. Still, this might be the best day of the year for college students. First semester is barely underway, yet here comes a 3 day weekend with no religious obligations. Hard not love it, even though I can't support it.
4th of July: By definition a completely legit holiday, but here's the thing. Probably less than 10% of the population cares or thinks about what the day actually represents. It's become an excuse to get out of work, chow down some barbeque, and drink one's self into a coma by four in the afternoon. I wouldn't really have any objection if it ended here, but we also have "Flag Day," which seems just a tad unnecessary don't you think?
National Arbor Day: Ummmm, yah. Trees really don't merit a day when we already have the highly questionable "Earth Day," which basically celebrates the fact that another year passed without our population wiping itself out. This brings me to . . .
New Year's Day: Every nation acknowledges the New Year, but it's about as meaningless a reason for celebration as any. They could just as easily call it "hangover day" or "national recovery day," or since everyone's going to be skipping work anyway, how about changing the date of Labor Day?
Mother & Father's Day: Ok, I won't go there, since every parent in America would answer their child’s question the same way . . . "Every day is kid's day!!!"
Easter: I'll get flamed for this one, but whatever. Over the long Easter weekend, I worked every day and endured some of the unhappiest people I've ever seen. Maybe the pressures of family visits had the entire Akron area on edge, but let’s just say people weren't exactly embracing the spirit of, in theory, one of the most spiritual days on the calendar. Oh, the irony of watching desperate renters fight over our few copies of 'The Passion of the Christ." I guess the kick-off for the weekend is called 'Good Friday' for a reason; an off day for all children and many adults, yet there are few mandatory observances before Sunday church-going. Don't get me wrong, I'm all for children enjoying a day filled with stuffed bunnies, egg hunts, and those heavenly chocolate/peanut-butter concoctions from Reese’s. But for a day when 95% of the country pays homage to their savior literally rising from the grave (a visitor from another planet would think I’m kidding), I think they are taking that sacred book just a touch too seriously.
So now that we've eliminated the aforementioned holidays, let’s see what we’re left with (I feel like George Carlin whittling the 10 commandments down to 2):
Christmas: Too dominant to ever rid of and a fun day for all, even though the reason for its existence becomes lost annually during a maddening commerce-driven 3 weeks.
Thanksgiving: "The" American holiday, featuring family, food, football (talk about alliteration), and the longest of all long weekends.
Martin Luther King Day: I suppose too important to ignore and eliminating it would cause riots by a large, intimidating segment of our population.
Halloween: Without a doubt the best night of the year for kids.
Labor Day: A well-earned day off to halt our collective depression from summer ending.
War Remembrance Days: Too disrespectful to lump them all into a single day, even though Memorial Day has come to represent the group.
Yom Kippur & Passover (both essential for reasons that even the most reformed Jew such as myself can’t forget). But just to show I'm not above pointing the finger at myself, Rosh Hashanah (bizarro New Years), Purim (bizarro Halloween), and Hanukah (bizarro Christmas) are all somewhat debatable. I really shouldn't send this blog to my grandmother.
(Note: How great is the word Bizarro? Is there anything Seinfeld can’t do?)
The bottom line: If we're going to treat so many frivolous days as reasons to celebrate, what's one more? I’d close by saying April Fools, but that would contradict everything I’ve said.
