So I failed my Ohio driving test. Actually, I should specify. I failed the mandatory, multiple-choice computer test required for new residents. Naturally, the Ohio driving guide neglected to inform me I'd have to take such an exam. I'd figured a sexy smile and my social security number would be enough to obtain a piece of plastic labeled 'Ohio.' Despite my reservations, the woman working at the DMV assured me the test was comprised mostly of common sense information that anyone would know. Additionally, out of the 40 total questions, I only had to answer 30 correctly. My confidence was quickly restored. After all, I've been driving for 11 years. How hard could this be? Upon passing my eye exam, I sat at my randomly assigned computer space. First question: "Who is required to wear their seatbelts in a moving vehicle?" I smiled and rolled my eyes, proudly clicking the box reading "Everyone in the vehicle." Rather than a green checkmark though, I suddenly faced a big red X. It then flashed a blinking green circle around the correct answer, "Any passenger riding in the front seat." I stared at the screen in disbelief before surveying other testtakers from afar. Was this a joke? I half expected Ashton Kutcher to run through the front door with the crew from Punk'd.
I quickly re-centered my attention and continued, only the more questions I read, the more baffled I became. You only need to leave 1 full car length between your car and the one in front of you? Motorcycle drivers over the age of 18 don't have to wear helmets? A yellow light means go faster? Ok, I made the last one up, but based on the other answers, it didn't seem like too much of a stretch. After 14 questions I was cruising along at a 50% rate. Following question 27, the test ended abruptly. Feeling pathetic and confused, I next had to suffer the indignity of watching a wrinkly old man with a badge on his shirt shake his head while announcing "This isn't good." I was told I could retake the test in 24 hours, though not later that day, only adding to the sustained nonsense I'd experienced since walking through the front door. Would it be cheating to sit down and take it again? I guess they figured if a full day passed, I might do even more poorly the second time. I took my free study guide and sat impatiently, waiting for my girlfriend to finish. She did better, geting all the way to question 38 before failing.
On the way out we laughed at the sheer stupidity of the entire experience. Had we been told we'd have to take a test ahead of time, we would've prepared. Had we prepared, we would've passed. Had we passed, I wouldn't be sitting here complaining about it. However, after having seen some of the test answers, we began to question the common sense of Ohio lawmakers. I mean seriously, seatbelts aren't required for backseat passengers? Isn't that typically where children ride? Maybe 7 year olds are encouraged to get behind the wheel, leaving backseats vacant most of the time. If these are my new driving laws, I'm not sure I want to follow them. Shortly after leaving the DMV, we got caught behind an elderly woman in a parking lot. Backing out of her space, she came within inches of hitting another car before performing the world's first 12-point turn. By the time she reached the main road, I was half-asleep. This woman had managed to obtain her license, but we failed on the basis of a computer test? Could Old Lady Magoo even see the computer screen? I guess I'm gonna have to teach these Ohioans how to drive safely. A scarier truth has never been spoken.
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