As many of you know, politics are not exactly my forte. I'm pulling for Obama in large part because he's a democrat and because I value his priorities a lot more than Bush and McCain, who seem like long-lost brothers in many ways. I gave their first debate my all last night, but ultimately lasted until just past the half-way point. Believe me though, this represents major progress for me. A poll on MSN revealed that 52% felt Obama won, 34% felt McCain won, and the rest were either undecided or thought it was a tie. Here to help you decide who really won is a rough transcript of the first presedential debate between my girlfriend and I.
9:00-9:15 PM:
I'm really pumped up to give this thing a real try.
Z: "Maybe MCain will forget where he is and it'll be over"
T: (laughs)
Attention turns to Jim Lehrer, the moderator of these proceedings.
Z: "Why does this guy get to come up with the questions? (pause) Obama looks nervous."
T: "Does Obama have snot under his nose?" Z looks at T and chuckles. T looks back seriously. "What?"
McCain takes long pause before thanking the university hosting the debate.
Z: "McCain almost forgot what school they're at!"
T: "McCain hasn't been feeling well? What if he has diarrhea?" (laughs)
She goes to get laundry basket for some folding. She comes back and stares closely at McCain.
T: "Why is only his bottom lip moving?"
Z: "Guy's a freak."
McCain makes a joke about his own hearing, smiling as he asks "Afraid I can't hear him." At least the old fart has a sense of humor.
9:16-9:30 PM:
Z: "McCain has an awful combover."
T: "I dunno, his hair's so white it blends with his scalp."
Two Minutes go by.
T: "What are they talking about?"
Z: "Obama's ears are huge!"
A few seconds later Obama uses the word earmarks and I explode with laughter.
Z: "Do you think Obama wants to shave his head, but knows he can't?"
T: "Why?"
Z: "Because he'd look cooler."
McCain laughs at a personal in-joke about being called 'The Sheriff.' Is he even paying attention? Obama doesn't think so and cuts him off when he's attempting to discuss taxes. At this moment, Jim starts mumbling.
Z: "The guy running this thing is a stuttering idiot."
T: "What if McCain gets Alzheimers?"
McCain proceeds to use the word 'fastuned.'
Z: "What? Is that even a word?"
McCain then refers to Obama as 'Captain' before correcting himself with 'Senator.'
Z: "Are there commercials in this?"
T: "Don't know.
In place of the word million, McCain says 'mirrion.
T: "These people talk funny."
Obama then mentions Ohio and Michigan. T throws her arms up in the air.
T: "Ohioooooo!"
9:31-9:45 PM:
Z: "I can't believe they have to stand this whole time?"
Obama refers to McCain as 'Tom' instead of Jon, forcing a rewind on my part. Obama then recommends cutting back on the $10 BILLION a month we are spending in Iraq. I get bored and peruse the viewing guide.
Z: "Hey, The Cable Guy's on."
McCain then announces that we owe China $500 BILLION. Z looks up in shock.
Z: "What???"
I turn to T, who'se on the computer playing free cell.
Obama then calls McCain 'Jim', before proceeding to use the word 'orgy' to describe our spending. McCain counters by announcing his wife is a real maverick. Jim looks up, realizing the debate is falling apart and quickly changes the subject. McCain proudly announces that he went to Iraq in 2003 and realized we had to change our strategy there.
Z: "Wow. This guy's a pioneer huh?"
9:46-10:00 PM:
Obama is owning McCain and Bush for their lack of common sense in invading Iraq in the first place, in large part because of the absurd amount of money spent and all the American lives that've been lost. McCain quickly attempts to distract the criticism with talks of patriotism and then accuses Obama of denying that we are winning the war. Obama shakes his head, saying "that's not true." Insightful.
Z: "You think Bush is even watch this? I bet he's playing Wii."
T: (laughs)
Obama complains we don't even have enough troops in Afghanistan, because we have so many more troops in Iraq than when we originally surged. McCain then becomes the first man to use the word 'explectations.' Scary shades of Bush there. McCain is clearly rattled as Obama announces that there wasn't even Al Queda until we invaded. Obama is so fumed he starts pronouncing Pakistan as 'Pakeeston.' McCain followed that up by calling the Taliban 'Taleeban.' It sounds Mexican.
10:01-10:07 PM
T: "Obama's either gonna make all white people slaves or give information to Bin Laden. He gives me a sick feeling in my stomach."
McCain keeps mentioning General Patrias, who I've never even heard of.
Z: "I'm pretty sure he just made that guy up."
Obama then accuses McCain of singing songs about bombing Iran. McCain responds by reciting his resume, including his personal history in Congress, which has nothing to do with anything.
Z: "What is he talking about? He just makes statements that completely avoid the issues!"
McCain then talks about a bracelet he got from a mother in New Hampshire. Obama retorts by announcing he also has a bracelet.
I then get a text message from my youngest brother reading 'peepeepoopoo.' Always nice to get words of wisdom from family. Jim then smiles and proudly announces that each candidate has had equal talk time, as if he's looking for a pat on the back and some cookies. T has officially stopped watching.
Z: "Wanna watch the Cosby show?"
T: (laughs)
Z: "Seriously, you still wanna watch this?"
T: "No."
I change the channel to TV Land and start to relax for the first time in over an hour.
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