Nothing Expendable about Stallone's Newest Franchise

About a third of way into The Expendables (2010), Jason Statham took revenge upon a half-dozen punks on a suburban basketball court because one of them beat up the woman he sleeps with three times a year.  I pictured an enthusiastic Sylvester Stallone behind the camera during that scene . . .

Stallone: "Now Jason, stab the basketball as hard as you can. Deflate it!"

Statham: "Why???  What good will that do?"

Stallone: "Trust me, it's so cool . . . . .  Now tell that punk next time you will deflate his balls!"

Statham: "Mate, this is preposterous.  That's such a nonsense threat."

Stallone: "Just do it!"

Statham muttering under his breath: "He's lost his fucking mind," before reluctantly granting the director's wishes.

Stallone: "And CUT! PERFECT!!!"  

Sly high fived himself, flexed his biceps for the dumbfounded crew, and broke into a unique grin that has always made him look slightly retarded.  He grabbed the camera and sprinted to his next location.

The Expendables was a ridiculous throwback to 80s excess and I mean that as a compliment.  Stallone, at one point the biggest movie star in the world, crafted an over the top homage to an era when his name above the title virtually guaranteed $100 million at the box office. Those days long gone, Sly mostly remembered what worked in the past, including giant explosions, corny one-liners, and running times under two hours. As director, co-writer, and star, the former Rambo bared all responsibility for the success or failure of his action comeback.

I'm not sure if The Expendables worked in spite of its shortcomings or because of them.  Boasting one of the dumber scripts of the past decade, not a single character was developed beyond a basic stereotype.  The main objective of the film's heavy (a never sillier Eric Roberts) was never really spelled out, but had something to do with drug fields and a power struggle in South America.  Fighting alongside Roberts was the noted thespian Stone Cold Steve Austin.  Their chief opponent was Angel Batista from Dexter, a sketchy general with a mammoth army of anonymous henchmen as Nigel Powers would say.  He lived in an isolated fortress not unlike Bowser's in Super Mario Brothers, encouraged his troops to paint their faces like football fans, and graciously approved the torture of his daughter Sandra, who's brief encounter with Stallone's Barney Ross (never would've pegged Sly as a Barney) set the plot in motion.  I use the term plot loosely.

Ross was flanked by Jason Statham's Lee Christmas, who I kept confusing with Jim Carrey's Dumb and Dumber character.  On the orders of the mysterious Mr. Church (Bruce Willis), Ross' team of mercenaries was called into action.  However, Ross' primary objective seemed to be rescuing Sandra, whom he respected enough after a single meeting to willingly risk the lives of his entire unit, which included Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture, and Terry Crews.  Now maybe I'm not giving Ross' logic it's due. After all, Sandra also painted cute pictures and gave him one to keep.  I'm still not quite certain whether Stallone's character wanted to bang the 20-something-year-old or adopt her as his daughter, but that indefinable quality was part of the charm in this glorified mess of a movie.

Some other highlights from the original:

- Ross claimed never to sleep and received constant visits from Mickey Rourke's Tool, a tattoo artist
who delivered a priceless crying scene deserving of a Razzie Award.

 - On a tour in New Orleans I saw exteriors of Sly's bar from the film, although it didn't look nearly big enough to house the knife throwing contests he frequently hosted.

-  In a cast loaded with professional wrestlers, Lundgren was by far the worst actor.  He was left behind, switched sides, and even treated howling viewers to a fake out death scene.  Not to mention the onslaught of short jokes he hurled at Jet Li's character.

-  Former Planet Hollywood titans Stallone, Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger shared their first movie scene together.  Arnold rubbed his knowledge of foreign countries in Sly's face, while Sly cracked how his rival wanted to be president.  Then Bruce told them to stop measuring their dicks.  Ok, so this wasn't exactly the long-awaited Pacino/De Niro coffee shop scene from Heat.  But for those priceless few seconds, theater audiences erupted.
    
So what can we expect for this weeks aptly titled The Expendables 2?  Testosterone levels have been increased with the additions of heroic has beens Chuck Norris and Jean-Claude Van Damme.  Returnees Schwarzenegger and Willis will see increased screen time.  Stallone has relegated directing duties to action veteran Simon West (Con Air, The Mechanic).  As with any sequel to an 80s inspired slugfest, expect more mayhem and a higher body count.  Fortunately, less logic wouldn't appear to be an option this time around.

And yes, I'll be in line tomorrow night.