"Human sacrafice. Dogs and cats living together. Mass hysteria!"
- Peter Venkman, "Ghostbusters"
I officially declare the oreo our national cookie. Athletes will now be required to thank Jesus after every touchdown. Also from here on out, you will order your morning coffee "Barack." On this day in history good is bad, up is down, and quite literally white is black. And I'm all for that. Change is what America wanted and that's what it got. November 4th, 2008 will probably be remembered as the single most liberal day of most of our lifetimes. While I'm not gonna get teary-eyed about a color barrier being broken, I certainly understand the significance to those who might. I'd applaud and dance like a lunatic too if Mel Brooks was elected President. As I type I just realized that was an awful analogy, but he's the first Jew that popped into my head for some reason.
Moments like tonight allow my immaturity to shine brightest, so until "Family Guy" creates the ultimate riff on all that's transpired, you're stuck with me. Depending on your personal sense of humor, the following will either make you laugh, cringe, or stare at your monitor in disbelief wondering how anyone could sound so stupid. All night I've been walking around shouting, "Barack Obama motha-fucka," immitating the brilliant J.B. Smoove, who played Leon during season six of "Curb Your Enthusiasm." Upon breaking from that impersonation, I've pretended to be Osama Bin Laden calling for high fives (in an incomprehensible "Borat" voice) from my compatriots at the 7/11. Can't you just picture Obama making his first call as President to Bin Laden, laughing in amazement, "I can't believe that worked." I know, I know, none of this should be funny. But in the crazy world we live in, humor acts as my defense mechanism, triggered by serious events involving anything truly important. I had to laugh at myself for realizing around 11pm that I actually had no idea what Joe Biden looked like. I'm not kidding. I had to search him on google images and with God as my witness, I've never seen that guy before. If I bumped into him in Central Park, I'd assume he wanted to sit down and play chess.
Ironically, it took a voting beat down to humanize John McCain in a way I hadn't seen throughout the campaign. He actually sounded humble in defeat. If he'd softened his image like this about two months ago we might've had a real race. But the prospect of having another leader with many similar policies to President Bush effectively killed his chances, as did picking Sara Palin as his running mate. Throw in his 2,748 scowls (I counted), his ridiculous age, an awful comb-over, far too many jokes about mavericks, his negative ad onslaught, and a stiff presence that failed to convince the public he could have a civil conversation with a fellow human being, and his demise was inevitable.
But Obama is the man of the hour. He's young, hip, intelligent, and above all, charasmatic. Kind of sounds like another promising President-elect from the early
60s, no? I'll be rooting for him and I'll be rooting for America. Of course, tonight everyone's saying all the right things. They hope we can all come together. They want Republicans who voted for McCain to support Obama. They even played the theme from "Remember the Titans" over the loudspeakers as Obama took the stage. Very subtle. For anyone who forgets, "Titans" was the story of an African-American high school coach who took over the previously segregated football program at T.C. Williams in 1971 Virginia. There he demanded his players (white and black) eat and room together in hopes that they'd gell as a team. They eventually won the state title.
Although that's an abbreviated description of the story, the themes of acceptance and racial harmony have arguably deeper implications in 2008, given Obama is now leader of the free world. And while the results of the previous two elections were nowhere near as historic as tonights', I wonder if they set a precedent for how his detractors will react. In both 2000 and 2004, President Bush similarly asked the entire nation to throw it's support his way after a very divisive election. For what it's worth, millions never did (myself included), although the past eight years have certainly shown us to be all the wiser for it.
But maybe this time will be different. A huge wall has been kicked down tonight, not only with Obama's induction, but in Massachusetts where potheads won a huge victory. In a shockingly lopsided vote, possession of marajuana (under an ounce) was decriminalized, now punishable only by a small fine. This initiative made so much sense I was worried it wouldn't pass, much like the failed Ohio casino initiative, the only blemish on an otherwise liberating evening (actually that and the ridiculous bans on gay marriage in CA, AZ, & FL, but that's a whole separate article). Casino gambling is still available two hours away in West Virginia, but it's the principle of the matter. At least Massachusetts has taken a major step forward. No longer will college students and swinging dads have to worry about using the worlds most easily attainable drug for fear of being taken into custody. Weed is less harmful than alcohol by any reasonable measure. It doesn't cause screaming, violence, or wreckless driving. If anything it discourages users from leaving the couch, unless they're attacking their own refrigerator.
I admit, marajuana has been known to kill a few brain cells, but so does stress, booze, loud music, and television. And to those who still consider it a "gateway" drug, get over yourselves. Sure, it's usually the first one people try, but that's because it's the cheapest, the easiest to find, and the least harmful. Hell, you could even argue it promotes social bonding amongst strangers. I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if Obama is sitting back in a leather recliner in his living room, sparking one final doobie before making the move to 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.
After all, Election Day 2008 knows no limits.
No comments:
Post a Comment